About Glad Doggett

My husband's visitation schedule with his children includes several weeks in the summer. We are now about two months away from the shift, when we blend two families and stir things up. And like the shifts in the plates of the Earth, when there's that kind movement, there's always a bit of fallout.

This is a time of mixed emotions, tight living quarters and adjustments, both physical and emotional. My husband's children spend most of their time living with their mother two states away. The distance makes a consistent visitation schedule almost impossible for my husband, so he settles for extended time in the summers as a way to make up for lost time during the year.

But who are we kidding. A few weeks together once a year cannot really make up for the time he loses with them. But, it is all he has, so we make the best of it. And because I love him, so do I.

We've gone through the steps of this summertime dance for several years now. When summer rolls around, we find room in our home, our budget and our lives for two more people. Instant family - like instant drink mix. Add water, sugar and stir well. All of us pinch together our normal lives and routines to make way for the shifts that must occur. We smile and rejoice, at first. Everyone starts out with the best intentions. We will make this work this time. No drama, no fights. We all suck it up because this time is precious to my husband. And we all love him. He wants to feel like a real dad. He wants to connect with his kids, who are growing so fast. When he last lived with them they were babies. Now, they are teens with opinions, expectations, and disappointnment.

The crowded living space and wide range in personality types wear me down every time, in spite of my best efforts. I raise my right hand and swear to be a supportive wife, loving mother, and an engaged and caring step mother. I try. But, my legacy of living in blended families is like a thunderstorm cloud that follows me, waiting to rumble and shake.

I am still learning to let go of the baggage from my experiences when I was the child living in a blended family. But a lot happened after my parents' divorce that caused me to feel betrayed, unloveable and flawed. I was 6 years old when they ended their marriage, and I spent my childhood yearing to fill the void that was left.

My mom eventually divorced my first step dad, remarried shortly after and started over again with a new husband and two adult step kids. By this time, I was a divorced myself, living with my two young children and trying to make sense of the world. I've lived as a young child and as an "adult child" in two step families. I've looked at it from every angle.

Now, I'm the step mom.

I was jaded when it came to the Brady Bunch myth of happily ever after. I knew firsthand that blending two families and creating a whole new entity called step family is difficult work. I snickered and said "We'll see ..." to my husband when he naively believed we could all come together effortlessly.

When you agree to marry a person with children, you want to believe that your love for one another and for you own children will be enough to overcome the resentments, the sadness and the grief that end up leaving a mess in your living room. So many people go into a new blend with high hopes and lofty expectations. They quickly find themselves grounded by the discovery that bringing together two families is one of the most difficult things you will do in a second marriage. And some marriages can take the weight of it.

The good news is, you can eventually scrub the uglies away and build a blended family that works. You can scour out animosity with truth, authenticity and openness. It takes time,elbow grease and lots of patience and love.

As my family approaches our summertime ritual, I'm again feeling hopeful. I have the best intentions that it will be better this time because I am better this time. I've spent the past few months cleaning up the messes of my past and I'm ready to let the sunshine in.